There should be a list of questions in life that we aren’t allowed to ask. Unfortunately, there isn’t. Instead, daily, we’re faced with having to answer those questions that make us all hot and sweaty under the collar. Yet most of the time we answer the question politely and with a smile. Because we’re good people. And because we’re nice. If ONLY we could say what we wanted to say in response!
This week I was asked, “So you’ve got this website thingy, but when are you going back to a real job?” I laughed it off. And when they weren’t looking, I put a fly in their drink. How rude!
So, this is a message to the person who always asks the wrong question. Followed by the response that we’re all thinking, but would never actually say.
Hayley xx
1. To the newlyweds…
“So when are you guys having a baby?”
Answer: “Um, we only JUST got married!”
2. To the woman trying for a baby, and having no luck…
“You’re totally pregnant aren’t you???”
Answer: “No, we can’t fall pregnant. But thanks for reminding me of that!”
3. To the new mum…
“I know it’s last minute, but do you want to go to a movie tonight? It starts at 10pm.”
Answer: “Oh yeah, sure, easy-as.” (Sarcastic tone)
4. To the person who’s just lost 10 kilos…
“So have you lost any weight yet?”
Answer: “F*^% you!”
5. To the single person, from the married person…
“So there’s this new dating site called “Tinders” apparently. Have you heard of it?”
Answer: “Um you pronounce it ‘Tin-der.’ And yes, I’ve been on it for 2.5 years.”
6. To the person looking for work…
“So, are you applying for jobs?”
Answer: “Oh no, I’m just sitting on the couch eating cheezels all day! Of course I am, you idiot!”
7. To the pregnant woman… (this happened to me twice during my first pregnancy)
“Wow, you’re tiny! Is your baby growing?”
Answer: “Oh thank you for your opinion. According to the medical advice of my OBSTETRICIAN, yes, he’s growing. But thanks for giving me even more anxiety than I had before.”
8. To the long-term single woman…
“So do you think you’ll always be single?”
Answer: “F*^% off.”
9. To the mum who is formula-feeding her baby…
“You know breast-is-best, right?”
Answer: “You know you’re a bitch, right?”
10. To the person suffering from anxiety…
“Just take a few deep breaths, you’ll be okay won’t you?”
Answer: “You have no idea.”
11. To the mum of 3…
“Do you regret having a third?”
Answer: “Yes. But, do you really think I’ll answer that honestly?”
12. To the mum of twins…
“So, are they IVF babies?”
Answer: “Why the hell does it matter?”
13. To the woman who’s just stopped breastfeeding…
“Can I see your boobs?”
Answer: “What boobs?”
14. To the woman who is breastfeeding…
“Can I feel your boobs.”
Answer: “F*^% off!”
15. To the new mum…
“So what DO you do all day?”
Answer: “I can’t even justify that with an answer!”
16. To the single girl…
“So have you tried online?”
Answer: “No I’ve just been sitting at home and hoping for the best. Of course I’m looking online!”
17. To the new mum…
“What’s wrong with your baby? Why is he crying? ”
Answer: “You think I know?!”
18. To the woman whose just started maternity leave…
“When are you going back to work?”
Answer: “Work? My baby’s 3 weeks old!!”
19. To the new mum…
“When are you having another baby?”
Answer: “Are you serious?”
20. To the woman who has just given birth…
“Did you tear?”
Answer: “Why do you care? Do you want me to show you!”
21. To the newly divorced…
“So, have you met anyone yet?”
Answer: “Um, it’s only been 2 months.”
22. To the new mum…
“What have you been up to, apart from the kids?”
Answer: “Nothing”
23. To the childless woman in a relationship…
“Why haven’t you had kids yet?”
Answer: “Because we chose not to. Or, because we tried for 11 years naturally and couldn’t afford IVF.”
24. To the career woman…
“So do you think you’ll regret putting your career first?”
Answer: “Do you regret putting your family first?”
25. To the new mum…
“Are you getting much sleep?”
Answer: “Yeah heaps. 1.5 hours a night.”
26. To the girlfriend who has just accidentally fallen pregnant…
“Are you sure it’s mine?”
Answer: “No, because I’m a big SL*T. Of course it’s yours!”
27. To the person who is depressed…
“What’s wrong with you?!!”
Answer: “I wish I could answer that.”
28. To the person who lives in Adelaide (from an inter-stater)…
WHY do you live in Adelaide?
Answer: Because it’s freaking amazing and beautiful and full of life and energy! Why are you a snob!?
29. To the freelancer…
“So, when are you getting a job?”
Answer: “Ah, I have a job?!”
29. To the parents of an only child…
“Why did you only have one?”
Answer: “Why not??!!! I’m lucky to have one!”
30. To the naturally skinny woman…
“Are you okay? You look like you need to eat a burger!”
Answer: “Well, you look like you need a glass of shut-the-hell up!”
Did I miss any?
Hayley x
To the girl in a long term relationship but is not yet engaged or married.
You’ll be next.
When are you guys getting hitched?
Oh I got that SO many times! x