By Ryan Burgess
Ladies, can your Adelad relate?
1. She doesn’t know how to get Netflix on the TV. Should I keep it this way, or should I show her and risk being subjected to her being in total control of the night’s viewing?
2. It’s been nearly two months, and she hasn’t collected the mail once. Or even been to the letterbox. In fact, she probably doesn’t even know where it is.
3. The washing pile is astronomical. She wears something once and it’s in the washing basket. Is this normal behaviour? I get at least a few wears out of a shirt. Don’t ask about jeans.
4. We wash sheets and towels every few days. Again, the laundry pile is big. Really big. I’d get AT LEAST a few weeks out of a towel back in my bachelor days and minimum six months out of my bed sheets.
5. Fake tan is EVERYWHERE. It’s a rental, and naturally I am concerned about my bond being returned in its entirety, so when I spot brown little Oompa Loompa finger prints all over the white walls, benches and doors, I get somewhat frustrated.
6. Light switches apparently only work in one direction… ON. Can’t wait for our bill! Which I’ll receive and she’ll claim she doesn’t know how to pay.
7. She’s a brilliant, but messy cook. I love her food and don’t get me wrong, we’re not in that misogynistic relationship where she’s the only chef, but when she does cook, it’s chaos. It’s messy. It actually reminds me of why my mum refused my help as an enthusiastic seven- year-old helper. The lack of clean-as-you-go is mind boggling.
The mess is worth it.
8. She “agreed” to be a minimalist before we moved in. I think we’ve turned into the actual definition of maximalists.
9. I now understand parents’ frustration and the repeated (often screamed) line: “I AM SICK OF PICKING UP AFTER YOU!” Lauren has stuff everywhere. In every room. On every surface. I have pride in my new residence and am constantly picking shit up and dumping it on the bed. Passive aggressive message received, babe?
10. To get on the couch or to get into the bed, first one must spend at least a few minutes delicately removing the plethora of redundant (and multi coloured) cushions and pillows.
11. If we’re home, candles are burning at all hours. If we’re out, we’re stressing about leaving the candles burning and will quite often have to flip a U-turn to make sure we did, in fact, blow them out. They’re always out.
12. “Wanna have a BBQ tonight” is code for I CBF cooking, so you are.
13. It’s awesome. Mostly. I write this sitting on our couch in total glee, loving the life we’re creating with each other.