I was at an engagement party on the weekend and overheard one of my friends gushing to her boyfriend about how perfect the night was and how amazing the bride-to-be’s ring was. Moments earlier, huddled around the bathroom sink (as girls do) she’d told us that she’s DYING for him to hurry up and pop the question. So, saying how romantic the night was, was her way of saying, “WHEN THE F%$K ARE YOU GOING TO PROPOSE?!”
Women are smart and we’re strong. But, like onions, we have layers — we talk a special language and to understand us, you must read between lines. This comes naturally for most women. Men, on the other hand, often struggle which is why we have so many arguments. Men should know what we’re thinking, right?
Obviously, this isn’t the case for every woman. But, here’s a special guide for men on how to interpret the fairer sex:
1. When a girl says, “I don’t want any dessert.”
She means, “I’ll just eat half of yours.”
2. When a girl says to a hairdresser, “Oh, I love it. Thank you SO much!”
She means, “OMG, I’m about to cry! What the f&^k did you do to my hair!”
3. When a girl says to her husband, “You should definitely buy those new pants.”
She means, “Buy them — so I can buy new shoes and jeans and not feel guilty!”
4. When a girl says, “I’m going to the gym for an hour.”
She means, “I’m going to drive to the gym and sit in the car park for 20 minutes on Instagram. Then go inside, check-in on Facebook, talk to a few people, go on the bike for 15 minutes before driving home again.”
5. On a first date when a girl says, “I’m not hungry.”
She means, “I don’t want to eat in front of you (in case you think I’m a pig). But when I get home, I’ll eat everything in my fridge and pantry until I’m sick and pass out.”
6. When a girl says to her partner, “How cute, my friend’s husband bought her flowers today.”
She means, “Why can’t you be more romantic? Buy ME flowers!”
7. When a girl says, “There’s nothing wrong.”
She means, “Of course there’s something wrong, but I shouldn’t have to tell you what it is!”
8. When a girl says, “Oh, you had a hair cut?”
She means, “WTF! Why did you cut your hair? It looked so much better before.”
9. When a girl says to her boyfriend, “I’m so happy! My friend just got engaged!”
She means, “Hurry the f&*k up and propose to me, you idiot!”
10. When a girl says, “I’m fat.”
She means, “Tell me I look thin.”
11. When a girl says, “I don’t want anything serious.”
She means, “Just looking at my diary, what date can we lock in our wedding? November or October good for you?”
12. When a girl says, “I’m over him.”
She means, “I’m crying myself to sleep every night praying he’ll call me.”
13. When a girl says, “I don’t do selfies.”
She means, “I take a million selfies on my phone, everyday. I just don’t post them online.”
14. When a girl says, “I’m sorry I missed your call, I didn’t have my phone.”
She means, “I saw your call, I just didn’t answer.”
15. On a date when a girl says, “I need to go the bathroom.”
She means, “I’m just going to the bathroom to make sure there’s nothing in my teeth and also to text my friend about how this date is going.”
16. When a new mum says to her partner, “It’s OK, I’ll get up again and feed our baby.”
She means, “Get off your ass, grow some boobs and do it yourself, you lazy oaf!”
17. When a female hairdresser says to a client, “You want the exact same style as Kim Kardashian, right?”
She means, “You’ll never look anything like Kim Kardashian.”
18. When a girl’s partner is talking to an unknown female and says, “So how do you two know each other?”
She means, “You better not have slept together!”
19. When a girl says, “I got this last year.”
She means, “I got this yesterday, it’s brand new.”
20. When a girl says, “I’m on a diet, I’ll just have a green juice.”
She means, “I had churros with chocolate dipping sauce for lunch. But, if I have something healthy, it will cancel it out — like it never happened.”
21. When a teenage girl says, “I’m such a nerd.”
She means, “I look so hot in my fake geek glasses.”
Have I missed anything?
Hayley xx
