I’m done with breeding. I’ve created two amazing humans who make me explode with love (and sometimes anger) every single day. I’m SO grateful that I was able to have children, but I couldn’t possibly go through it all again. Pregnancy for me was hell. For seven months I felt like I’d just eaten an off-meat pie and gone for ten rounds on the Gravitron. I’d look at other pregnant women who would faff about with their perfect sick-free pregnancy and want to pull their hair out. It’s not fair. Why can’t pregnancy be how it’s portrayed in the movies – BEAUTIFUL? If you had a rough pregnancy, you’ll appreciate the following:
1. THE “PREGNANCY GLOW”
Yep you sure DO glow! Because you’re sweating like a pig all the time. Your shiny, sweaty face glistens 24/7. If you’re really lucky, the sweat will highlight your pregnancy acne that has developed on your forehead, chin, cheeks, neck and back. My pimple beard was ripe for at least eight months! I was such a hipster. #beard
Image credit: oskincarespa.com
2. YOU’LL LOVE HAVING A “BEAUTIFUL BUMP”
Although, it does look beautiful to on-lookers, you bump into things. You no longer see your toes, your legs or anything below your belly button. You can’t bend over to pick up a bag, shave your legs or put your shoes on. Oh, and you can’t sleep on your stomach or your back — and sometimes even your sides.
3. YOU CAN EAT DOUBLE THE AMOUNT
Heartburn and reflux. You try and eat from the small list of food groups that don’t make you nauseous, but even then, reflux gets you almost every time. A constant feeling of having a loaf of bread stuck in your throat is not fun for anyone. Unless you’re a seagull.
Image credit: St Louis Ice-cream
4. YOUR HUSBAND WILL FIND YOU EVEN MORE ATTRACTIVE
If your husband finds backney, gas and ginormous nipples attractive, then you have a winner! I’m not sure my husband found it overly attractive when in the middle of dinner I’d open the sliding door to poke my bum out the window. Sorry Jimmy.
5. YOU’LL GET SO MUCH “GREAT” ADVICE FROM OTHER MUMS
Sure you get loads of advice but they all contradict each other!
“Don’t get an epidural.”
“You have to get an epidural, you’ll die without one.”
“Don’t worry if you can’t breastfeed.”
“Breast is best.”
“Get the Bugaboo.”
“Bugaboos are a waste of money.”
Image: When you’re feeling hideous, pose for a photo with Kayla Itsines
6. YOUR BOOBS WILL LOOK FANTASTIC
With clothes on — sure, your boobs WILL look amazing but they hurt like hell! The nipples also grow and expand until your entire boob is one giant nipple. Oh and they turn black, nobody tells you that!
Image credit: pregnancyhealthtips
But, despite all the crappy pregnancy side-effects, having a healthy baby is worth ALL the backney and reflux in the world. I’ve also heard an old wives’ tale — if you have a shitty pregnancy, you’ll have a happy child. Mazel tov to that, ladies!