I know there’s something wrong with me and I’d do anything to fix it. No, it’s not tinea or an STD. It’s much worse! I’m just hoping that I’m not the only one going through this. Here goes…
When I say goodbye to my husband as he goes off for a surf, still half asleep and with one eye open, I smile, give him a kiss and say, “Have fun, I love you”, like I don’t have a care in the world. Inside, however, I’m yelling and screaming, slamming my fist down saying “don’t go – please don’t die”. I know this must sound like I’m a crazy over protective wife, maybe I am, but it’s an actual problem I have.
It started about 10 years ago when I was living in Queensland and my Dad called to tell me that my uncle had died in a car accident. From that moment, I’ve been crippled with worry about my loved ones and losing them, realising how precious life is and how everything can change in a split second. Eight weeks ago I gave birth to my second baby boy, Alfie, so my worry has just gone to the next level.
Sometimes I get horrible thoughts that I am too scared to tell other mums in case they report me or judge me with their judgy mum eyes. You know the judgy-mum-eye look, we’ve all experienced it at some stage. You see, I have clear visions of my worst fears coming true.
Sometimes when I’m walking down the hallway at home, holding my delicious baby, I’ll actually hear the sound of his head cracking on the wooden floor boards as he slips out of my arms and falls head first onto the hard floor. Obviously, this never happens and I cling onto him so tight just to make sure of that. But I see and hear the vision so clearly.
The worst is when my husband Jimmy goes somewhere with the 2 boys in the car and shortly after they leave I imagine receiving a call telling me there was an accident. I even go so far as to think, how will I live without them? I couldn’t go on, how would I end it all? It’s so morbid I know, and I’m actually a really happy and easy going person, this makes me sound dark and depressing. I promise I’m not.
The problem becomes obsessive when my parents go overseas as they do every year. While they’re away, I’m on 24 hour social media watch, scanning the news for a plane crash or bombing where Aussies are killed, expecting to see my parents’ names. It’s terrible.
I realised the severity of my problem this weeK. My parents have been away for 6 weeks. I know, HOW DARE THEY! I was at home with Alfie and there was a knock at the door. I looked out my window and saw a man and a woman in blue shirts at my door.
Instantly, I thought it was the police. My greatest fear has always been the police coming to my house to tell me horrific news. As I got close, my eyes started to glaze over and I hear, “IT’S THE POLICE, CAN YOU PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR?” F++**CK!!!! It’s happening.
I started to get hot and clammy and felt like I couldn’t breathe. I reached for my keys, hands drenched in sweat already. Waiting to hear the worlds, “Your parents have been killed on a train in France by a suicide bomber.” (My thoughts are VERY specific). As I opened the door, the woman, saw my face and quickly said, “It’s okay, nobody is hurt.” THANK F&***CK! My body had already started to go into chock so I’m pretty sure I made no sense when they were asking about my neighbour.
I call my problem the worrying-about-losing-my-loved-ones-syndrome. The more I love, the more I have to lose. Sometimes I ask myself why do I keep having children? It’s just another person to worry about! I wonder, does anyone else suffer from this, and if so, how the hell do I fix it?