By Guest Blogger :: Naomi Hutchings – Clinical Sexologist
How to have THAT conversation with your beloved. #AWKWARD!
As a sexologist I am honored to hear about the most intimate details of my client’s sexual lives. I find it fascinating that as humans participating in sexual relationships we find ourselves getting so intimate and sharing so much of our lives with another person; our bank accounts, our views on politics, ideas on child rearing, and even our deepest, darkest secrets. But, why is it when it comes to getting our freaky on, some couples actually freak out?
What do you do if you really aren’t digging your mundane sexual repertoire? What if their touch actually makes you CRINGE?
Improving your sexual relationship can take some work. It means you need to be open, and, being open sexually means you ARE going to be vulnerable. This takes courage, it means risking being laughed at and/or watching your partner look at you in horror recoiling at what they declare to be your “weird and kinky” request. “What do you mean you want me to lick your elbow?” “You want me to put what, where?”
You see, ALL people have ideas of what they want from a sexual relationship. Now this works out pretty damn well if we find ourselves shacked up with someone who wants the same kind if sex as us. But, unfortunately due to the enormous diversity of human sexuality this does not always happen. In fact it is pretty uncommon. Sex is a social construct. Yep, you heard that right. It’s all made up.
So, what if I told you that YOU and only you get to decide your own definition of sex? Of course this also means that the lovers you choose to be sexual with might totally disagree with you. And that is ok. Communication is the KEY.
So how do you have that conversation with your beloved?
Tip 1: You need to talk – Despite what you might have heard mind reading is not really a thing. Your lover cannot read your mind. Even if they are John Edwards. Say something. NOW.
Tip 2: Feeling a little #Awks about speaking up? Have you tried actually showing them what you want? You could start by guiding their hands to the parts of your body you want to be touched. Some lovers might get a little insulted with “instructions” so when they get it right make sure you show some appreciation and tell them you’re enjoying it! .
Tip 3: Still freaking out? Why not try a chat in the car – sometimes NO eye contact can actually be a good thing as it takes the intensity down a notch. Talking about your sexual activity out of the bedroom is also a good practice. People might feel less criticized and more receptive to suggestions when they aren’t butt naked and in the middle of licking your, umm elbow.
Casually ask “Babe, how about we try something a little different next time we do the wild thing?” Chances are THEY also want to try something else.
Tip 4: You could even play a game and write down a list of your sexual suggestions with 3 sections – Yes – Maybe – and Absolutely NO freaking way.
Together work through it to come up with one list you both agree on.
My message for you today is simply this: Sure, there’s risk in speaking up, but what about the flipside?
It might stop being awkward and sexual activity becomes something you both enjoy (and might include elbows, knees and maybe the ears)
If you say nothing you risk everything staying just the same for the rest of your time together. Now, what would you prefer?
If you are struggling to get confidence back in the bedroom after having a baby, these tips may help you.
Naomi Hutchings is a Clinical Sexologist who has been working in the area of Sexual Health and Relationships Education for over 10 years. She’s is the founder of Adelaide Sexology. She has much experience working and supporting parents around how to approach puberty, sexuality, and other topics. Currently Naomi teaches the Sex and Sexuality Topic at Flinders University, is the Coordinator of Youth Worker Education at Shine SA, works privately at both Attuned Psychology and Pelvic Pain SA, and is the relationships expert for the University of Adelaide’s Health and Relationships website.